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Twenty ways to answer a wrong number or cold call

Jessi Rich, Staff Writer

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It happens to everyone–an unknown number calls your phone, and you’re left to send them away awkwardly. There may be an easier, more amusing way to deal with these situations. Here are twenty ways to respond when an unknown number calls you:

  1. “Okay, boss, the job’s done. I’ll meet you at the pickup point; you’d better have my money.”
  2. “I told you that you can’t call this number anymore, darling. My husband/wife will find out.”
  3. “Road kill cafe. You kill ‘em, we grill ‘em.”
  4. “The person you called has been murdered. This is the Criminal Investigation Division.”
  5. If a telemarketer asks, “How are you today?” reply “I thought you’d never ask…” and proceed to tell them about all of your problems.
  6. ¡No hablo ingles!”
  7. Ask the person to marry you.
  8. “I’m sorry, this phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have an emergency?”
  9. Whistle loudly until they hang up.
  10. Start speaking in complete gibberish.
  11. “Okay, go ahead, caller! You’re on the air.”
  12. “Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?”
  13. “I don’t know who you are…but I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.”
  14. Breathe very heavily. Don’t say anything.
  15. “Thank you for calling Domino’s, would you like to hear our specials?”
  16. “Buddy the elf! What’s your favorite color?”
  17. “No, this isn’t the Krusty Krab. This is Patrick.”
  18. “It’s the Feds! They’re onto us!”
  19. Answer, cut off, and start screaming maniacally.

If none of the above seem to work, there is always Alexander Graham Bell’s preferred telephone greeting:

   20. “Ahoy-hoy!”

Keep in mind that although they can be a pest, some unknown callers may have important messages. Happy answering!

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Twenty ways to answer a wrong number or cold call